I have family conflict

What’s happening

Family systems are rigid. Each member has a role. Each role gets reinforced by the others. The patterns you grew up with continue to operate when you’re an adult, even when everyone has changed in other ways. You can rage against the family. You can leave it. You can keep showing up and seething. The role you’ve been assigned tends to follow you regardless.

The family is a system. The system has a logic. The logic includes you, even when you don’t want to be in it.

Which version of this is yours?

• I hate my parents. And I don’t know how to keep relating to them. → I hate my parents

• I don’t speak to my mother. It’s been months or years. The not-speaking has its own weight. → I don’t speak to my mother

• I don’t speak to my father. Same situation, different parent. → I don’t speak to my father

• My mother is narcissistic. And every interaction is exhausting. → My mother is narcissistic

• My father is narcissistic. And the family has been organized around his needs my whole life. → My father is narcissistic

• My sibling cut me off. Without a clear explanation. → My sibling cut me off

• My in-laws are toxic. And it’s affecting your marriage. → My in-laws are toxic

• I’m the family scapegoat. Whatever goes wrong gets blamed on me. → I’m the family scapegoat

• I’m the family caretaker. Everyone calls me. I’m exhausted. → I’m the family caretaker

• I went no-contact and I feel guilty. Even though it was the right call. → I went no-contact and I feel guilty

• My parent has dementia and I can’t handle it. The grief is real. So is the resentment. → My parent has dementia and I can’t handle it

• I’m estranged from my family. Multiple people. The whole side. → I’m estranged from my family

Which family role were you?

Why family therapy probably didn’t work

Most family therapy assumes everyone wants to change. Often they don’t. The family system is in equilibrium, and the equilibrium has been working for the people who benefit from your continued role. Asking them to change requires them to give up a position they’re enjoying.

You can’t fix a family system by attending family therapy with people who don’t see a problem.

How we work with it

Strategic therapy works on one person, you, and treats the family as the system that will have to respond. We change the specific responses you’ve been making that have been keeping your role active, the ones so automatic you stopped noticing them years ago. The system reorganizes around the change, or it doesn’t, and either way you find out clearly what you’re working with.

You don’t need the whole family in the room. You need to change one response.